LGBT Military Parenthood · LGBTQ Military Spouses

Lesbian Military Parenthood Part 1: Deciding to start your family

lesbian military parenthood

Life is full of surprises you never know who you are going to fall in love with until it happens. Usually excessive partying and dating engulf you early on. After the dating dies down and you find your one and only, marriage has a funny way of finding its way to you. Next, your mind is all about being engaged and planning your wedding. Once you’re married and time passes you become spellbound by the idea of possibly starting a family. Sure it might not happen in that order exactly but you get the idea.

Along the way you or your wife joins the military or she was already in the military when you met. Life happens and you now both can get married legally in the United Stated in all 50 states. The months are rushing by and you are finally settling into your life, your career and your relationship.

I have created a quick list of things you can think about when it comes to deciding if you are ready and want to have a child. No two people or couple will have the same answers but it’s always good to evaluate your situation when considering bring a new life into the world.

Take inventory of yourself

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You have to really consider what it will be like to have another person completely dependent on you. Ask yourself is there anything you want to do before having a child? It can be anything from going on a trip to finishing your college degree or getting a promotion at work.

As I was growing up I could see myself having children and then when I figured out I was gay things became a little foggy in the children department. I threw myself in my career in manufacturing and later cosmetology. For me as time passed, there was always this little ticking or itching to have a child probably my biological clock saying, “Hey when are you going to have a baby?”

Taking personal inventory of yourself and where are in life is a great way to see if you’re up for the challenge of raising a child.

  • Why do you want to have a child?
  • What is your state of mind? Physically, spiritually, and emotionally can you be present in your current relationship and raise a child?
  • What is your lifestyle like right now?
  • Are there things you want to still do?
  • Will you regret not doing something if you have a child?
  • What are your abilities when it comes to taking care of child?

Take inventory of your relationship

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There are so many other questions to ask when deciding to start a family. The first question really you have to ask is, do you and your spouse want to have children?

I am at this point in my life and relationship where I am good with everything. I am going to turn 31 in December, my wife and I went to the Bahamas last year and next year I am going on a family trip to Sweden. I kind of always knew I would be and older mother just because this world is so big and I want to see it. I feel like right now I do not want to have a baby just yet. I want to give myself an opportunity to do things that I still want to do.

I will say my wife and I have being going back in forth about having children for the past two years we have been married, mostly because I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want children. When you are a lesbian there are no chances of “oops” aka unplanned pregnancies in your relationship. I will say the more I think about have a child is you will probably never be 100% sure of everything and that’s okay.

You and your wife decide it’s time to start a family but when? How? Here are some questions to consider:

  • Who will carry the baby? Will you both carry a baby?
  • Will you adopt?
  • Do you already have children from a previous relationship? How do you parent your spouse’s child?
  • Are you both ready?

Take inventory of your finances

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There can also be a huge financial burned when trying to conceive as well that most who are dreaming of a baby forget about. Think about what you currently spend your money on. Do you go to coffee shops, the movies or mall? I do love me some Starbucks. Do you have student loans, a new car payment, or just regular month bill? Where does your money go now? Its very important to know where your money is going because raising a child can cost your a lot of money.

Here are some questions to consider:

  • Will you keep your job or quit it?
  • Will you use daycare if you both work?
  • Will you or your spouse stay home and raise your child?
  • Do you an emergency fund plus saving built up?
  • Have you saved for purchasing of sperm?
  • Can you financially support a child at this time? 

Knowing where you money goes now and budgeting is something you must be good at if you are planning on having a child in the near further. Check out this awesome First-Year Baby Costs Calculator and see if you can afford a child right now on what you and your spouse make.

A Network of Support

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Support is a huge thing when it comes to raising a child. As a new mother you need to take care of yourself as well as your new baby. Do you have a friend or friends who could babysit while you sleep, catch up on a book or go on a date with your wife? Or maybe you need to go to the spa or get a massage or maybe you like going to the gym. Never stop taking care of yourself because when you take care of yourself you can take care of your family more fully.

Here are some questions to consider:

  • What does your support system look like in you life right now?
  • Do you have family support? If not how will you cope?
  • Are there programs you can join in your area to beat the postpartum blues?

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Are you planning on having a child soon? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

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